Fermented Fruit in Toilet Bowls

Artwork by Isabelle Lu, staff artist

By Laurel Reynolds

After Sierra Belle

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault and Eating Disorder

1. I am in fifth grade, lying to my dad. My mom told me to.

2. I am in sixth grade, lying to my mom. No one told me to.

3. I steal someone’s first kiss under comforters and pillows. She steals mine too.

3 ¼. She tastes like peaches.

3 ½. I love peaches.

4. I am in seventh grade and my face learns to use the toilet seat as a picture frame.

5. I am in seventh grade and give myself a tattoo in my bathroom. I don’t know why, but I did.

6. I gave myself five more tattoos.

7. I think I wanted control of my body.

7 ¼. I think I want control of my body.

8. Someone forces a kiss from me. He tastes like blueberries.

8 ½. I hate blueberries.

3 ¾. I miss peaches.

9. I haven’t had fruit in months because he let it rot and sour. Fed me to the ants.

10. I haven’t felt secure for months because he took advantage of me.

11. Maybe he mixed my innocence in with the rot. Gave false love to the fruit flies. Fed me to the maggots.

12. He touched my waist and I threw up on his uncleaned carpet.

13. I haven’t taken a picture in months but am starting to want to.

14. The scent of blueberries makes me feel sick. I still feel his hand pressed firmly on my back.

4 ¼. I go to treatment.

4 ¾. I leave treatment the same.

4 ½. I tried.

7 ¼. I think I want control of my body.

13 ½. I didn’t tell them the scent of fruit makes me feel sick.

15. I think once, shame didn’t exist. I was a black widow who swallowed men like him.

7 ¾. I think I had control of my body.

15 ¼. Once, I was a fruit fly that could only observe men like him.

7. I think I wanted control of my body.

15 ¾. Now, I’m a maggot placed on my own flesh.

7 ¼. I think I want control of my body.

16. I'm in college now. I have been lying to everyone for as long as I can remember. I don’t want to anymore.

17. I don’t know how to be honest.

18. I want peace now.

4 ⅜. I’m trying.